from Janmadiney, translation: Amiya Chakravarty

On that birthday morning,
With deference
I lifted my eyes to the sunrise.
I saw the dawn
Consecrate
The white forehead of mountain ranges.
I beheld
The great distance
In creation's heart
On the throne of the lord of mountains.
From ages, majestic,
He has preserved the unknown
In the trackless forest;
The sky-cleaving, far-away,
Encircled
In sunrise and sunset.

On this birthday,
The great distance grows in my heart.
The starry path is nebular,
Mysterious;
And my own remoteness
Impenetrable.
The pilgrim moves, his path unseen,
The consequence unknown.
Today
I hear the traveller's footsteps
From my lonely seashore.

it's a girl

i wonder how mom felt when i was born?
Dad had already line up a family to take the newborn if it's a girl.
two of my older sisters were given away in the similar arrangement.
somehow the deal fell through and i was kept.
i was the youngest of eight girls.

(i love you mom, tho i've never said it out loud.)

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket —safe, dark, motionless, airless— it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

- C.S. Lewis

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,
the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
- C.S. Lewis

making memories

We were walking the dog one late evening which was not the norm.
The familiar trail looked very different in the covering of the night
and appeared somewhat magical.

As we approached our favorite bend where the street lamp stood,
i exclaimed, "Look, this is like the picture where Lucy first enter Narnia!"
My sixteen year old said, "Mom, that was exactly what i was thinking!"

so we took some pictures for our own Narnia moment
with my sixteen year old being the photographer and me as Lucy.
Thank you Son for going along with a Mom that was not so normal,
and thank you too for the other two boys (and my dog)
for putting up with yet another of my memory making attempts.

退一步 海濶天空

There was this Chinese saying: take a step backward, the sea is wide and the sky is vast.

I felt that I was backed up to a corner, so I told God,
" I can't step backward because I am in a corner."
He said, "Step forward then, I will lead you to an open spacious place."*

God never cease to amaze me with His interventions in my life.
During my quiet time, I knew right away what He wanted me to do;
i took a hard look into my heart and confessed my resentment, bitterness, unforgiving, fear of rejection to Him.
I thank God for His perfect timing and His dealing with me.
He is merciful and loving towards who he had made.

*Psalm 18:19:He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

where are you?

When God asks, "Where are you?” it means He's coming after you.
Have you ever felt like that?
Lately, I felt like He had backed me into a corner, looked hard into my eyes....
At time it's really annoying,
because He is so "in your face ".
Why can't He leaves me alone?
But thank God too, for He will not leaves us to ourselves or where we want to be.
(At time I can stay at the corner just as well, refusing to move an inch.)
What it is that I’m holding onto stubbornly refusing to let go?
I do not know, or I do not want to know.
Sometime, it is very painful if you have to take a hard look at yourself.

how are you?

i love you
i love you
i love you

Jeremiah 31:3 "I've never quit loving you and never will.
Expect love, love, and more love!"

Once Again, Matt Redman

Jesus Christ, I think upon Your sacrifice
You became nothing, poured out to death
Many times I've wondered at Your gift of life
And I'm in that place once again
I'm in that place once again

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

Now You are exalted to the highest place
King of the heavens, where one day I'll bow
But for now I marvel at Your saving grace
And I'm full of praise once again
I'm full of praise once again

Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my friend

summary of the month

Called Mom & sisters over the Chinese New Year weekend,
didn't miss home that much though. Still hard to believe that my eldest sister are now a proud grandmother of three - a little boy and a set of twin girl.
She and the other sisters used to tell me all the time how they pleaded with Dad not to give me away because i was such adorable baby.
Maybe that's why i'm so close to my sisters, and its always nice to hear their voices over the phone.
Finally, after months of uncertainty we are now back on track - i am going home...just that 'home" is now a little foreign to me!

I am here

I don’t know if things will get any better or worse?
Should I be keeping quiet or keep fighting this curse?
Someday it’s manageable another day I caved
I think I no longer care as I comb my thick black hair
I just want to disintegrate into the thin air

Yet there’s this whisper in my ear
I AM* here
There’s some thing worth fighting for
The sun is shining and the sky is blue
You are worth more than the sparrows and the lilies of the field
The sun is shining and the skies are blue
You are worth more than the sparrows and the lilies of the field


*Exodus 3:14 “I AM THE ONE WHO ALWAYS IS”

Psalm 18:16-19 (the message)

16But me he caught--reached all the way from sky to sea;
he pulled me out of that ocean of hate,
17that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning.
18They hit me when I was down but GOD stuck by me.
19He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved--surprised to be loved!

beauty exposed / El Shaddai

desperate and helpless
drown in my perverted nature
in total depravity
like the trees
stripped of their glorious autumn colors
stark-naked

but here in lies the beauty of it all
You see past my shortcomings,
my misplaced affections and worldly pretense
and amidst the ugliness of self,
the jewel made in Your Image
You love me just as i am

there's nothing i can do to gain Your love
nor anything i can do to forfeit it
I need You
and even before the words are formed in my mouth
i'm in the Arms of Love
the apple of Your eye


Psalm 16:2 "....apart from you i have no good thing."

Samuel Menashe

my mother once said to me,
when one sees the tree in leaf one thinks
the beauty of the tree is its leaves,
and then one sees the bare tree.

Are we there yet?

All of us are heading somewhere
In a fast car on the highway
Or trotting down the narrow path
You are on your way
Do you know where you are going?

We drink and make merry
Live life to its fullest
We moan and groan, happy or sad
We love and hate, grief rivers of tears
And ask like a child, "Are we there yet?"

We will reach our destination somehow
Some sooner then others
With peacefull anticipation or unexpected departure
Into the light or darkness
The markers are clear whichever way you travel

Still yet for some
*Wait un‘til the sun turns black
the moon all bloody, the sky rolls up
and stars fall off to the earth
"Yes, I'’m on my way! I'’ll be there soon!..." Rev.7:12

*Revelations 6:12-14

tell me

why
up the ladder is heaven
and spiral
downward is hell?

all i know is
wherever i go you'll be there
why
would you care?*

should i dare
to go on my own way
even then
you are never faraway!

* Psalm 8: 3-4

Rock of Ages

took this picture at Detroit Metro Airport...
"you are beautiful"
was just what i needed to hear after traveled all day,
exhausted and feeling rotten inside,
and that's God and His sense of humor!
first - the one and a half hour drive to the airport,
then the endless waiting in lines for check in and
immigration clearance and the 8 hours flight back to States,
not too bad to end the year -
(about 5 hours lay over at Detroit,
2 more hours on the plane and got back home just after midnight),
well, when one get to sleep in ones own bed -
it's certainly a good start to the New Year!
Happy New Year.

Hebrew 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..."